Less than low. That is the result the lab machine reads. The lab machine telling me whether our perfect little girl snowbaby was able to stick it out with us or not.
She wasn’t. Less than low refers to my beta hCG level and it means the machine is unable to detect any hCG in my system, at all. Meaning the embryo didn’t even try to implant. Meaning she just… disintegrated, I guess.
I’ll admit I had been cheating with sensitive pregnancy tests at home for several days. I was expecting a negative result (hCG < 5), or at least a very low number indicating an attempt at implantation and/or another chemical pregnancy. But, less than low? That felt like a slap in the face.
Why didn’t she stick? She was even placed in a media called Embryo Glue! Was it just one of those things or did my immune system attack her? I know the science behind creating embryos in a lab is not perfect and we are messing with nature. However, we had literally controlled every aspect possible for us at this point. We are at the best clinic in our town, my embryos are PGS tested, I had just had a hysteroscopy with a polypectomy (which, in effect, was like an endometrial scratch), I was taking baby aspirin, my lining was a good thickness, the transfer went very smoothly, I was a strict rule follower regarding activity after the transfer, and I even carried PIO shots with me in my purse to restaurants so they could be given at the same time every day. I am not understanding what else we could have possibly done.
My friend brought me flowers, cake, and a magnet with uplifting words on it. I didn’t cry that day. I did not have time. Work was too busy and my patients needed my attention. I didn’t cry when I got home, either, but I was pretty quiet. Chase and I opened a nice bottle of wine and I made a sarcastic comment when my alarm went off to give myself the PIO shot. Life goes on, right?
We have a sit down with Dr K next week to regroup and figure out if we can or need to do anything else before attempting another transfer. I want to ask for some additional immune testing. I have thrown myself back into researching all of that stuff. It gives me even less time to wallow and feel sorry for myself. I am determined to find a cause for all of this suffering Chase and I have endured while trying to create a family.